It’s been a while since I last came out about my anxiety and depression. I wish I could tell you that I’ve gone to the doctor and gotten the help that I needed. But unfortunately, that’s not what’s happened.
Anxiety and depression: 1 Jessica: 0
In my defense, I did call the doctor in the hopes that I could make an appointment, but what happened was they needed to verify with the doctor that they could take me on as a patient and they would call me back. They did call back but I missed the call, so now I am going through the process of working up the courage to overcome the anxiety of making the appointment all over again.
But it hasn’t all been bad during that time. I’ve actually been pretty self-reflective and worked on a few ways to understand more about what I’m going through.
I have a bullet journal that I created a page to track my moods each day. I have a specific color for when I feel anxiety and one for when I’m feeling depressed. Looking back through the last few months since I’ve been using it. I’ve found that I just feel “normal” most days. It didn’t make sense to me because I thought, “Well if I have anxiety and depression then I should have more depressed and anxiety days.”
Then it hit me.
Not only am I trying to mask the way I feel from the world but I’m trying to mask it from myself even more.
It makes sense because I’m the one who has to listen to my thoughts all day! But if I drown them out with staying busy or mindlessly scrolling Facebook, then it numbs those feelings of anxiety and depression to where I’m not recognizing them inside myself. I think that I’m fine, I’m normal, and there’s nothing wrong with me and I don’t need help.
I think for the longest time in my life that’s how I coped. I remember forcing myself to put on a brave and happy face because I was always the positive one so I couldn’t disappoint others. This has stuck with me and I still do it. I feel like Elsa in “Let it Go” where she says “conceal don’t feel, don’t let them know.” That’s how I was, well how I am.
Besides realizing how much I hide my feelings from myself, I’ve come to realize how tough it is for my family, especially my husband Sean. When I do have an “episode”, he doesn’t know what to do. I don’t blame him because it’s can be hard to understand when it’s not something you struggle with. I’m learning to talk more calmly about what I’m feeling though, and he’s learning to listen. He told me the other day that I already love myself, but I just need to find that love.
I agree with him. There are times when I know that I love myself, but when I’m having an episode, the monster inside doesn’t want me to remember that. It wants me to disappear and wallow in self-pity for the rest of my days. It tells me that my family is better off without me and my crazy.
But I know when I’m calm and collected (like now as I’m writing this) that it’s not true, that my family needs me, and I need them.
So I make a goal again, here on the internet to all of you my friends, family, and lovely readers, that I’ll make that appointment and get the help I need. I’ll get help so the monster inside of me will shrink and become but a memory. I know it won’t be easy, it won’t go down without a fight. But if the heroes I’ve read about have taught me one thing, it’s that good always wins.